At least we both know that I tried

Lately I've been doing a lot of wondering... mostly about what I hope and dream for the future. I used to have these grand ideas of what I wanted for my life, and now I just can't even begin to imagine what the future has in store for me. I don't have the hint of a dream to aspire to.

I'm not saying, "Oh poor me, I have no hopes and dreams..." Not really, anyway. ;)

Lately many of my conversations with God have gone along these lines:
Me: Ok, God, I really want to be able to do what you want from me, but I don't even have the faintest idea of where you're leading me. The last time I thought I your go-ahead to rush forward, I was quickly thwarted. So... uh... wanna give me something clearer??
God: Just be patient. You'll see.
Me: ... But...?
God: You'll see.

In my bitter impatient moments (as patience is a virtue I probably need much more of and because I'm an emotional human being), I might start inwardly grousing, "Well, the last time I had something I was working towards, when I had dreams, they were brutally shattered, and I'm still stepping on the shards of glass so excuse me for being a little hesitant to try to go somewhere else without certainty."

Then He does that thing where He's quiet for a bit, gives me that, "Are you done now?" look, and smiles. Then He says, "Be patient. You'll see."

This is an answer I'm not too fond of, but I'm slowly growing to appreciate it. I can't get bent out of shape because things didn't work out as I'd planned. Honestly, I can see how it's for the better, though I never would have imagined that. The point is, I tried. I made a conscious effort to follow the path I believed was meant for me. Did I stumble? Yeah. I certainly have my flaws, and as I said before, I'm unfortunately impatient. I've made mistakes, but I pick myself back up, brush myself off, and continue on my way.

Right now it feels like I'm sitting on the side of the road trying to figure out some jacked-up map.

Right now, I might be closer to understanding it that I thought I could be.

God is, I think, trying to teach me to move through this moment. For one, to help me grow in patience. For another, to help me to see WHERE I am. When I am constantly looking into the distance, I miss what is at my feet. I can also miss the opportunities, the gifts, and the graces right next to me. That is my problem as I chase after my dreams. Why on earth do I bother worrying about where I'm going to be ten years from now, or even next year?? What does that matter when I may only have today?

"Therefore, do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Let the day's own trouble be sufficient for the day." (Matt. 6:34)

Well, ok, Jesus. You may have to pound it in my head a few times, but I get it.

When I think about how easy it really is, I feel like an idiot. Then God just smiles and says, "You tried. Let's just try again." Ok.

So... here's to living in the moment and filling each day with as much goodness as possible.

Currently listening to "Crash and Burn" by Lifehouse. I love them. And it's sort of my anthem...
All these nights are catching up to me
I just can't put insomnia to sleep
I close my eyes but all that I can see
Is someone who I'm never gonna be

I hope that you can bring me back
I gotta make it right

And if I fall and crash and burn
At least we both know that I tried
And as I crawl there's lessons learned
Yeah, they remind me I survived

Silence just keeps screaming back at me
The ones I love are lost in memories
And I wish that I could take back what was done
You can only change the person you become

I have to try and find a way
To leave it all behind
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/l/lifehouse/crash_burn.html ]
And if I fall and crash and burn
At least we both know that I tried
And as I crawl there's lessons learned
Yeah, they remind me I survived
And I've been hurt, and I've been scarred
At least I know that I'm alive
And If I fall and crash and burn
At least we both know that I tried

All of the things I tried to say
All of the words just got in the way
I'm waiting here, I need your help
Don't leave me down here all by myself

And if I fall and crash and burn
At least we both know that I tried
And as I crawl there's lessons learned
Yeah, they remind me I survived
And I've been hurt, and I've been scarred
At least I know that I'm alive
And If I fall and crash and burn
At least we both know that I tried