Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Let that be *enough*

Let That Be Enough- Switchfoot

Wish I had what I needed
to be on my own
'cause I feel so defeated
and I'm feeling alone.
And it all seems so helpless
and I have no plans
I'm a plane in the sunset
with no where to land.
And all I see, it could never make me happy
and all my sandcastles spend their time collapsing

Let me know that you hear me
let me know your touch
let me know that you love me
let that be enough

It's my birthday tomorrow
no one here could know
I was born this Thursday
22 years ago
And I feel stuck watching history repeating
Yeah, who am I?
Just a kid who knows he's needing

Let me know that you hear me
let me know your touch
let me know that you love me
let that be enough

I don't have anything particularly interesting or important to say... I've just had this song in my head and on my heart the past few days. I am still searching for answers... trying to find and understand the next path I'm supposed to take... I'm just uncertain. I'm uncertain of a lot of things. Sometimes it seems that no matter what I discover, no matter how much sense I can finally make of some things... I will always be lost. I know that's (probably) not true, but I cannot deny that I feel that way.

I am struggling to be content with what I know to be "enough." Maybe because I've defined "enough" with everything that just isn't enough. I don't know.

Still, there is beauty in every day.

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

My universe will never be the same

Dear beautiful people in my life,

It's been forever and a day since I've done anything with this blog, but I wanted to say something... or a few somethings... to you.

If you have ever mattered to me, you will ALWAYS matter to me. No matter what. Whether or not we even speak anymore, you matter. You have made my life infinitely more beautiful simply by being in it.

Sometimes I take that for granted. And that's lame. I'm lame sometimes, ok?

I was re-reading a couple old journals recently, and I started remembering just how much I used to love people. Or at least how much I was aware of it. I mean, at this point, I will say that I love people, but it's not until I sit back and really *look* at a person and reflect on who they are that I realize just how much I love them. And that's pretty lame. Because I have some BEAUTIFUL people in my life, people who continue to put up with the same ups and downs, the same absurdities, the same silliness... (as for the silliness, though, I must point out that an archaic definition for the word silly is joyful and blessed... so you can't complain too much about that, right? ;) ) I am beyond blessed and beyond grateful.

Every person who has been in my life, whether the experiences have been good or bad, have helped me make it to this moment, and while I'm still a mess and so unsure of so many things, in the end, I'm glad to be here. Mess though I may be, I have people who can help me "clean up" when I let them in. I have people who challenge me and push me to grow. I have people who share in and increase my joy. I have people who help me find wisdom in every misadventure. I have people who force me to open up and be myself even when that seems utterly terrifying. But you know what? It shouldn't have to be to terrifying to let yourself be seen. So I'm grateful.

So...dear beautiful people, you are beautiful. And I love you. Heaps and buckets.

Sunday, January 22, 2012

You wear white, and I'll wear out the words, "I love you," and "you're beautiful"

Very recently, I've had several people talk about how worthless marriage is, how it's pointless, and how "love" is just a way for women to express their feelings.


As I am 99.7% sure that this is my future vocation (regardless of that actually), I am obviously offended. This is a beautiful goal that I am working towards someday in the most likely very distant future. It. Is. Beautiful. And important.

It frustrates me that people look at the divorce rate alone when they decide how to value marriage. Marriage is beautiful! It's just that more often than not, couples go into it because they are infatuated with each other and marriage is the logical next step. Couples are so high on each other that they overlook that marriage is a commitment, that love is a verb and not just a fuzzy feeling.

Dear confused society: the fuzzy feelings are nice, yeah, but fuzzy feelings can't sustain a person. They won't be there every moment of every day. And you know what? That's ok. We're all broken fallen human beings. We frustrate each other. We fail each other. We get into arguments. Does that mean we love each other any less? Why do some married couples see a fight as the end of the world? Have they never gotten into with friends? With family? Just as maintaining these relationships in a healthy manner requires WORK and sacrifice, so does marriage! Tada!

The biggest reason for the absurd divorce rate: people have no idea what they're getting into when they get married. It's a fact. They jump into the fuzzy feelings... and it ends up they don't even know their spouse to begin with. And that's really sad. I know that we're all just searching to be loved. Love is at the very core of who we are. We ache to know that we're worth something and have that validated in the eyes of another.

Dear broken world: you are so hard to live in sometimes. Love is not always evident. We need more of it. More of the verb. Less of the misconception that pleasant feelings are enough to sustain us, no matter how lovely they may seem.

...random marriage rant over... I am very tired.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

God love your soul and your achin bones

Currently listening to "All Fall Down" by OneRepublic. I'm a little bit infatuated with them. And this song.

"If ever your world starts crashin' down, whenever your world starts crashin' down...that's where you'll find me."

In some ways, I feel like God's saying, "Hey, I'm here! I know you're going to fall down. You know you're going to fall down sometimes... as everyone does, but I will always be here to pick you up."

I think about that, I know it's true, and though I hate depending on emotional consolation, sometimes I wish I had a more tangible knowledge of it... Again, it's about my ability, or lack thereof, of ownership of some truths. Lame. I'm lame. I know.

And then I remind myself that God works through others. They're the tangible truth. My friends are the tangible evidence that He's there. Yes, as humans, we fail each other, but the fact that they have been put in my life and put up with my woes, my worries, my complaints, and my sorrows is evidence of a Love greater than my comprehension, is evidence that Love is *present* Who knew? Ok, so everyone else did, but my feeble little self forgets sometimes... (in experience, though not in intellect...I haven't completely lost my way... just mildly)

I was reminded, very strongly, that even when I am too dense to see every way God is there for me, He has my lovely friends speak Love to me. These friends who visit me when I'm broken, make me laugh about stupid things and cast my worries aside, give me more hugs than most people would even want...they give a face to Love. They remind me that I *do* know and recognize Love.

God has no hands and feet but ours... I know I don't always use them as I ought, but I can say that I'm very grateful for all those who do.

"God love your soul and your achin' bones. Take a breath, take a step, meet me down below. Everyone's the same, our fingers to our toes. We just can't get it right, but we're on the road. Whenever your world starts crashin down...that's when you'll find me."

I am constantly hit with the reality that we are, in essence, the same. No, we  may never judge another's journey by our own, as we really don't know all the roads they've traveled, but the truth is, they know what it is to be weather-beaten and weary, they've seen the sunshine and the shade, and they've stumbled off the path. Whether for the sake of adventure or accident...  it doesn't matter. We're all just trying to make it. We're all made with from the same Goodness for the same Love. We've all been given the tools we need to make it through. We haven't all been given the same tools. That's kind of why we have to work together, yeah? We're not meant to be alone. And when we're too dense to be acutely aware of God's hand holding ours, we have to show it to each other. And we do it in ways so small we don't even notice... It's funny to me.

Today, I am very grateful for the beautiful souls in my life. They bring immeasurable light to whatever darkness I come across.

Thanks for the love, God.

Sunday, January 8, 2012

When our lights meet, will you know me then? And will you want to know it?

So... my thoughts are a little disjointed right now, but the two primary thoughts on my mind are:

1. The disconnect between what we know and what we own.
2. Why we run from light.

Somewhere in there is a connection between the two... It is not yet completely coherent in my mind, but what's new? *smiles*

1. Ok, so, sometimes I'm a mess. (who knew??) Sometimes I get caught up by a million negative oppressive emotions. Sometimes I feel lost. Sometimes I forget where I'm going, what I'm doing, or what I need to be doing. Sometimes I'm just this big ball of emotion that doesn't know how to sort things out logically. Then when I realize that I need to stop being such a big ball of emotion, step back and look at my situation to gain some perspective, and just get it together... it feels a little helpless.

Why does it feel helpless? Because, as I said, I'm a mess. As much as I say (and believe) that things will work out when we pursue what is good and love with all we have... owning that truth is very hard for me sometimes. I question myself all the time. What if my perception of what is good is skewed? What if it's something I don't really know anymore? What if I can't love well enough? What about the times I'm selfish? Can I really call myself good or loving? Sometimes I feel so lost. I still don't know where I want to be next year, much less five or ten years down the line. It makes me anxious. And when I get anxious, I question myself even more. What if everything I've done until now is a mistake... all for nothing?

It gets messy. I try to take a breath and reassure myself that despite all my self-doubt, I do know what is good. I do know how to love, though certainly not perfectly. I just need to keep loving, continue seeking the good, and have. faith.

And here it gets messier! It's not supposed to with faith though, right? The thing is, it's not faith that's making it messy. It's me. Always me. Having the intellectual knowledge that He will see me through, that His will is perfect and that He's got great plans for me is just not as assuring as I'd like it to be. It used to be. The whole prayer thing used to be so much easier... even admitting that I was struggling with trusting in His plan used to be easier. I thought I was a mess then... I never appreciated just how much I owned my faith. When did these truths get stolen from me?? They certainly didn't cease being true, so my inability to make the full connection there must be because I relinquished my ownership of them. Do you know how hard it is to take back something that used to be yours?

Anyway... that battle is a joy and half. My immediate solution (that obviously will not yield immediate results) is surrounding myself with beauty, reminding myself of its presence in every little thing, journalling more (is that a word? Probably not, but I will say it anyway as I am stubborn and absurd),  facing truth (whether it's something I'm ready to face or not), ceasing my focus on the future, and reading through notes from school. I REALLY used to love Beauty. And I REALLY used to love Love.  Facing the change in my attitude is humbling, to say the least, but I'm rediscovering myself, and part of that is finding out just what is important to me and how hard I will fight for that. Mess though I am, there's something to be said for that, I think.

2. Maybe this will be a shorter, less embarrassing rant...

I have been listening to a lot of Evans Blue. Anywho, the title of this blog is a line from their song "Eclipsed," and it has really stuck with me... obviously.

I will always stand by the fact that there is good in every person... there is something beautiful about them, something light in them. Yet there remain people who refuse to let themselves be loved... I'm not saying I'm exempt from this... I'm just saying...

Sometimes when we see the light in others, instead of, and sometimes while being drawn to it, we shy away from it as well. Is it a fear that light from another will shine in and reveal the dark parts in ourselves? That we will be unloved if such things were seen? Are we afraid of seeing into those dark places ourselves? Are we afraid of being seen as we are? What is it, exactly?

We can only be loved inasmuch as we are known. Sure, there are some things that not every single person needs to know about us, but for those who would protect us? For those who would comfort us? For those who love us anyway? Shouldn't we give them a chance? Or have we so little confidence in them?

I know it's not easy to be vulnerable. I know it's not easy facing the reality of rejection. But I also know that Love is greater... it's more powerful, and it is filled with light, light that can be painful at first but also healing.

Anyway... those are my ramblings for tonight... Happy Sunday!

And... smile a little.