Tuesday, October 18, 2011

I am spoiled.

God makes me laugh. Sometimes I think He's rude (though deep down I know it's just that I either don't like what He has to say or that I don't like how He wants to handle a situation. In the end, I'm the rude one, but I blame Him anyway because I'm charming like that (ha.)), but I know He's always taking care of me. Far beyond anything I deserve.

The past week(s), I've been in a funk, for reasons I can't explain. It's not as though I don't want to talk about it; I  just honestly can't pinpoint the problem. I've just been...off. It's extremely unpleasant. It's much easier for me to deal with my life when I know why I'm upset- I can at least work on processing the emotions and yada yada... But when I'm just overcome with loneliness or oppressive negativity... blech. <-that's how I feel. It's just a big cluster of weirdness and I just want to puke it all out of my system. Immediately. (sorry if that's too graphic.. that's just the best way for me to describe it) But whenever that happens, it just feels too large to actually come out... like somehow whatever is in me has grown past the space its occupying. It's gross. And weird. And incredibly unpleasant.

Anywho, unpleasant gross feelings... Can't get rid of them... I go to work, admit to being tired but overall keep smiling and trying to put on the face of hospitality and joy to keep my people in a good mood. I go home feeling even more gross. I whine to my roomie, but instead of being cathartic, it's just like acknowledging someone I don't like is in the room... just a statement of a fact... bleh.

I decide to have a little chat with Jesus (not that I haven't been talking to Him since the time the grossness began.... just returned for an extra "were you listening when we chatted last?" talk. Because as I said, I'm rude), and I say, "Ok buddy, what's the deal? I'm trying to set this aside but it just keeps pressing on me. I can't ignore this. Um... can you make it go away?"

Next thing I know, I have a couple of the worst days I've had in a LONG time. Not that the events in the day were actually bad. I was just completely overwhelmed. But throughout those couple days, God did not allow me to forget that He loves me.

After Mass, I got a message from a friend I haven't talked to in MONTHS which was basically just one of those, "Hey, just thinking of you, I love you," texts. So. Necessary. And beautiful. Thanks for the love, God.

Two of my friends and their baby made dinner at my apartment, and I felt like a normal human being for a couple of hours. Thanks for the love, God.

My roommate gave me a bracelet that BC was giving out. It says "Be not afraid." I don't know what it means for me yet, but I know I needed it. Thanks for the love, God.

Terrible, horrible day number two, I get a text from a friend with a Bible verse that again tells me, "Be not afraid." Thanks for the love, God.

Another friend of mine sent me a random message, "Hey you're wonderful and I love you." Thanks for the love, God.

Another friend let me vent about my awful feelings and just let me know he was there for me. Thanks for the love, God.

My sister has been sending me random pieces of happiness and stupidity that we both enjoy. Thanks for the love, God.

The next day, better than the two previous: I had a day off. I chopped my hair off. I probably had four cups of Earl Grey, opened the windows, curled up under a blanket, and started reading The Help while listening the rain. My oobie (that's roommate, btw) and I watched a stupid movie and our dear friend came to visit. Thanks for the love, God.

Today I'm alive and well. I know I didn't process anything. I still have no idea what was wrong with me. But I'm ok. And I am loved. Way loved. I will probably still have days of oppressive negativity, but I'm never alone through it. I am truly spoiled. And very loved.

Thanks for the love, God.

ps- You are so very NOT rude.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Could you let down your hair and be transparent for awhile?

"Could you let your hair down and be transparent for awhile, just a little while? Let's see if you're human after all. Honesty is a hard attribute to find when we all seem like we've got it all figured out. Well let me be the first to say that I don't have a clue; I don't have all the answers. Ain't gonna pretend I do... just tryin to find my way..."

The song "Trying" by Lifehouse is beautiful. If you haven't heard it, you should listen to it. I'm biased... they're my favorite band.. but they also speak very clearly to authentic love and the strength of the human spirit... I love them.

In any case, I was thinking about this because I was having a chat with a friend about trust and masks we sometimes wear. How often do we show our true face to the people around us?

I know it can be terrifying to be ourselves with another. We're broken, and we continually let each other down. Even knowing we're capable and guilty of the same sin, when others let us down, it becomes so much harder to continue to let ourselves be vulnerable. At least it is for me. There are times I throw my hands in the air and say, "That's it! I'm done with people. I won't let anyone in again." Then I realize that's stupid. JPII (beautiful man that he was) said, "Man only finds himself when making a sincere gift of himself," (the quote may not be entirely correct, but the sentiment definitely is). When I am so concerned with finding the woman I am meant to be and what path I am meant to travel, I cannot ignore this. The only way for me to be truly myself is to give of myself. Which entails making myself vulnerable. Terrifying! But necessary. And wonderful.

I still need to makes sure I am not careless with my heart, however. Where is the balance??

"Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." -Proverbs 4:23

To guard is to keep safe and protect. This does not mean, "lock it away from sight." Our hearts are treasures, "the WELLSPRING OF LIFE," needing protection so as not to be destroyed, but it is only used for its intended purpose when given away. So we've got to do what we can to make them strong. We have to learn to love ourselves. We have to learn to see ourselves through God's eyes. We have to surround ourselves with faithful allies who care about the condition of the treasure we contain. They will fight to protect it. Even when they fall, they have made the effort. We have to seek the good and pursue it. Our hearts delight in that and grow ever stronger. We need to let the love in our hearts be seen and be given. It's funny how much giving of ourselves really does help us to gain infinitely more.

The thing is, our hearts were made to LOVE. "Oh God, our hearts are restless until they rest in you." -St. Augustine. Guess what? God is LOVE. Doesn't it make sense that our hearts are strongest and most at peace when they imitate their Creator?

Anyway...I'm exhausted and rambling. Let down your hair and be transparent for a while. Let others see the treasure of your heart and inspire theirs.