So... my thoughts are a little disjointed right now, but the two primary thoughts on my mind are:
1. The disconnect between what we know and what we own.
2. Why we run from light.
Somewhere in there is a connection between the two... It is not yet completely coherent in my mind, but what's new? *smiles*
1. Ok, so, sometimes I'm a mess. (who knew??) Sometimes I get caught up by a million negative oppressive emotions. Sometimes I feel lost. Sometimes I forget where I'm going, what I'm doing, or what I need to be doing. Sometimes I'm just this big ball of emotion that doesn't know how to sort things out logically. Then when I realize that I need to stop being such a big ball of emotion, step back and look at my situation to gain some perspective, and just get it together... it feels a little helpless.
Why does it feel helpless? Because, as I said, I'm a mess. As much as I say (and believe) that things will work out when we pursue what is good and love with all we have... owning that truth is very hard for me sometimes. I question myself all the time. What if my perception of what is good is skewed? What if it's something I don't really know anymore? What if I can't love well enough? What about the times I'm selfish? Can I really call myself good or loving? Sometimes I feel so lost. I still don't know where I want to be next year, much less five or ten years down the line. It makes me anxious. And when I get anxious, I question myself even more. What if everything I've done until now is a mistake... all for nothing?
It gets messy. I try to take a breath and reassure myself that despite all my self-doubt, I do know what is good. I do know how to love, though certainly not perfectly. I just need to keep loving, continue seeking the good, and have. faith.
And here it gets messier! It's not supposed to with faith though, right? The thing is, it's not faith that's making it messy. It's me. Always me. Having the intellectual knowledge that He will see me through, that His will is perfect and that He's got great plans for me is just not as assuring as I'd like it to be. It used to be. The whole prayer thing used to be so much easier... even admitting that I was struggling with trusting in His plan used to be easier. I thought I was a mess then... I never appreciated just how much I owned my faith. When did these truths get stolen from me?? They certainly didn't cease being true, so my inability to make the full connection there must be because I relinquished my ownership of them. Do you know how hard it is to take back something that used to be yours?
Anyway... that battle is a joy and half. My immediate solution (that obviously will not yield immediate results) is surrounding myself with beauty, reminding myself of its presence in every little thing, journalling more (is that a word? Probably not, but I will say it anyway as I am stubborn and absurd), facing truth (whether it's something I'm ready to face or not), ceasing my focus on the future, and reading through notes from school. I REALLY used to love Beauty. And I REALLY used to love Love. Facing the change in my attitude is humbling, to say the least, but I'm rediscovering myself, and part of that is finding out just what is important to me and how hard I will fight for that. Mess though I am, there's something to be said for that, I think.
2. Maybe this will be a shorter, less embarrassing rant...
I have been listening to a lot of Evans Blue. Anywho, the title of this blog is a line from their song "Eclipsed," and it has really stuck with me... obviously.
I will always stand by the fact that there is good in every person... there is something beautiful about them, something light in them. Yet there remain people who refuse to let themselves be loved... I'm not saying I'm exempt from this... I'm just saying...
Sometimes when we see the light in others, instead of, and sometimes while being drawn to it, we shy away from it as well. Is it a fear that light from another will shine in and reveal the dark parts in ourselves? That we will be unloved if such things were seen? Are we afraid of seeing into those dark places ourselves? Are we afraid of being seen as we are? What is it, exactly?
We can only be loved inasmuch as we are known. Sure, there are some things that not every single person needs to know about us, but for those who would protect us? For those who would comfort us? For those who love us anyway? Shouldn't we give them a chance? Or have we so little confidence in them?
I know it's not easy to be vulnerable. I know it's not easy facing the reality of rejection. But I also know that Love is greater... it's more powerful, and it is filled with light, light that can be painful at first but also healing.
Anyway... those are my ramblings for tonight... Happy Sunday!
And... smile a little.