God love your soul and your achin bones

Currently listening to "All Fall Down" by OneRepublic. I'm a little bit infatuated with them. And this song.

"If ever your world starts crashin' down, whenever your world starts crashin' down...that's where you'll find me."

In some ways, I feel like God's saying, "Hey, I'm here! I know you're going to fall down. You know you're going to fall down sometimes... as everyone does, but I will always be here to pick you up."

I think about that, I know it's true, and though I hate depending on emotional consolation, sometimes I wish I had a more tangible knowledge of it... Again, it's about my ability, or lack thereof, of ownership of some truths. Lame. I'm lame. I know.

And then I remind myself that God works through others. They're the tangible truth. My friends are the tangible evidence that He's there. Yes, as humans, we fail each other, but the fact that they have been put in my life and put up with my woes, my worries, my complaints, and my sorrows is evidence of a Love greater than my comprehension, is evidence that Love is *present* Who knew? Ok, so everyone else did, but my feeble little self forgets sometimes... (in experience, though not in intellect...I haven't completely lost my way... just mildly)

I was reminded, very strongly, that even when I am too dense to see every way God is there for me, He has my lovely friends speak Love to me. These friends who visit me when I'm broken, make me laugh about stupid things and cast my worries aside, give me more hugs than most people would even want...they give a face to Love. They remind me that I *do* know and recognize Love.

God has no hands and feet but ours... I know I don't always use them as I ought, but I can say that I'm very grateful for all those who do.

"God love your soul and your achin' bones. Take a breath, take a step, meet me down below. Everyone's the same, our fingers to our toes. We just can't get it right, but we're on the road. Whenever your world starts crashin down...that's when you'll find me."

I am constantly hit with the reality that we are, in essence, the same. No, we  may never judge another's journey by our own, as we really don't know all the roads they've traveled, but the truth is, they know what it is to be weather-beaten and weary, they've seen the sunshine and the shade, and they've stumbled off the path. Whether for the sake of adventure or accident...  it doesn't matter. We're all just trying to make it. We're all made with from the same Goodness for the same Love. We've all been given the tools we need to make it through. We haven't all been given the same tools. That's kind of why we have to work together, yeah? We're not meant to be alone. And when we're too dense to be acutely aware of God's hand holding ours, we have to show it to each other. And we do it in ways so small we don't even notice... It's funny to me.

Today, I am very grateful for the beautiful souls in my life. They bring immeasurable light to whatever darkness I come across.

Thanks for the love, God.

Could you let down your hair and be transparent for awhile?

"Could you let your hair down and be transparent for awhile, just a little while? Let's see if you're human after all. Honesty is a hard attribute to find when we all seem like we've got it all figured out. Well let me be the first to say that I don't have a clue; I don't have all the answers. Ain't gonna pretend I do... just tryin to find my way..."

The song "Trying" by Lifehouse is beautiful. If you haven't heard it, you should listen to it. I'm biased... they're my favorite band.. but they also speak very clearly to authentic love and the strength of the human spirit... I love them.

In any case, I was thinking about this because I was having a chat with a friend about trust and masks we sometimes wear. How often do we show our true face to the people around us?

I know it can be terrifying to be ourselves with another. We're broken, and we continually let each other down. Even knowing we're capable and guilty of the same sin, when others let us down, it becomes so much harder to continue to let ourselves be vulnerable. At least it is for me. There are times I throw my hands in the air and say, "That's it! I'm done with people. I won't let anyone in again." Then I realize that's stupid. JPII (beautiful man that he was) said, "Man only finds himself when making a sincere gift of himself," (the quote may not be entirely correct, but the sentiment definitely is). When I am so concerned with finding the woman I am meant to be and what path I am meant to travel, I cannot ignore this. The only way for me to be truly myself is to give of myself. Which entails making myself vulnerable. Terrifying! But necessary. And wonderful.

I still need to makes sure I am not careless with my heart, however. Where is the balance??

"Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." -Proverbs 4:23

To guard is to keep safe and protect. This does not mean, "lock it away from sight." Our hearts are treasures, "the WELLSPRING OF LIFE," needing protection so as not to be destroyed, but it is only used for its intended purpose when given away. So we've got to do what we can to make them strong. We have to learn to love ourselves. We have to learn to see ourselves through God's eyes. We have to surround ourselves with faithful allies who care about the condition of the treasure we contain. They will fight to protect it. Even when they fall, they have made the effort. We have to seek the good and pursue it. Our hearts delight in that and grow ever stronger. We need to let the love in our hearts be seen and be given. It's funny how much giving of ourselves really does help us to gain infinitely more.

The thing is, our hearts were made to LOVE. "Oh God, our hearts are restless until they rest in you." -St. Augustine. Guess what? God is LOVE. Doesn't it make sense that our hearts are strongest and most at peace when they imitate their Creator?

Anyway...I'm exhausted and rambling. Let down your hair and be transparent for a while. Let others see the treasure of your heart and inspire theirs.

At least we both know that I tried

Lately I've been doing a lot of wondering... mostly about what I hope and dream for the future. I used to have these grand ideas of what I wanted for my life, and now I just can't even begin to imagine what the future has in store for me. I don't have the hint of a dream to aspire to.

I'm not saying, "Oh poor me, I have no hopes and dreams..." Not really, anyway. ;)

Lately many of my conversations with God have gone along these lines:
Me: Ok, God, I really want to be able to do what you want from me, but I don't even have the faintest idea of where you're leading me. The last time I thought I your go-ahead to rush forward, I was quickly thwarted. So... uh... wanna give me something clearer??
God: Just be patient. You'll see.
Me: ... But...?
God: You'll see.

In my bitter impatient moments (as patience is a virtue I probably need much more of and because I'm an emotional human being), I might start inwardly grousing, "Well, the last time I had something I was working towards, when I had dreams, they were brutally shattered, and I'm still stepping on the shards of glass so excuse me for being a little hesitant to try to go somewhere else without certainty."

Then He does that thing where He's quiet for a bit, gives me that, "Are you done now?" look, and smiles. Then He says, "Be patient. You'll see."

This is an answer I'm not too fond of, but I'm slowly growing to appreciate it. I can't get bent out of shape because things didn't work out as I'd planned. Honestly, I can see how it's for the better, though I never would have imagined that. The point is, I tried. I made a conscious effort to follow the path I believed was meant for me. Did I stumble? Yeah. I certainly have my flaws, and as I said before, I'm unfortunately impatient. I've made mistakes, but I pick myself back up, brush myself off, and continue on my way.

Right now it feels like I'm sitting on the side of the road trying to figure out some jacked-up map.

Right now, I might be closer to understanding it that I thought I could be.

God is, I think, trying to teach me to move through this moment. For one, to help me grow in patience. For another, to help me to see WHERE I am. When I am constantly looking into the distance, I miss what is at my feet. I can also miss the opportunities, the gifts, and the graces right next to me. That is my problem as I chase after my dreams. Why on earth do I bother worrying about where I'm going to be ten years from now, or even next year?? What does that matter when I may only have today?

"Therefore, do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Let the day's own trouble be sufficient for the day." (Matt. 6:34)

Well, ok, Jesus. You may have to pound it in my head a few times, but I get it.

When I think about how easy it really is, I feel like an idiot. Then God just smiles and says, "You tried. Let's just try again." Ok.

So... here's to living in the moment and filling each day with as much goodness as possible.

Currently listening to "Crash and Burn" by Lifehouse. I love them. And it's sort of my anthem...
All these nights are catching up to me
I just can't put insomnia to sleep
I close my eyes but all that I can see
Is someone who I'm never gonna be

I hope that you can bring me back
I gotta make it right

And if I fall and crash and burn
At least we both know that I tried
And as I crawl there's lessons learned
Yeah, they remind me I survived

Silence just keeps screaming back at me
The ones I love are lost in memories
And I wish that I could take back what was done
You can only change the person you become

I have to try and find a way
To leave it all behind
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/l/lifehouse/crash_burn.html ]
And if I fall and crash and burn
At least we both know that I tried
And as I crawl there's lessons learned
Yeah, they remind me I survived
And I've been hurt, and I've been scarred
At least I know that I'm alive
And If I fall and crash and burn
At least we both know that I tried

All of the things I tried to say
All of the words just got in the way
I'm waiting here, I need your help
Don't leave me down here all by myself

And if I fall and crash and burn
At least we both know that I tried
And as I crawl there's lessons learned
Yeah, they remind me I survived
And I've been hurt, and I've been scarred
At least I know that I'm alive
And If I fall and crash and burn
At least we both know that I tried

Oo oo, oo oo, I love your every coloor...

I love your every color... it's a song by Train, and it makes my heart smile every time I hear it. Train is great about authentic and beautiful love songs.

This song speaks to me especially because I long to be a woman of color. I long to be someone who's vibrant and alive and someone who shows that in varying hues. It's why I love peacocks so much, I think. It's why I'm drawn to bright and beautiful colors... I *want* that. In me. Pouring out of my soul through my speech, my touch, my eyes, whatever. I want to show the colors of peace and joy and love. I want to show the color of empathy, of compassion, and mercy.

What also strikes me about the song is that he says I love your EVERY color. Even the dark ones... Love, if it is truly love, can only love all the more when faced with dark-colored imperfections. Afterall, aren't shadows the evidence that there is light? I know I have many faults and shortcomings... but aren't they contrasted by the goodness in me?

Right now I'm quite the mess of color, a bit chaotic... the picture isn't quite clear yet. But I'm working on throwing on layer and layer of light and color until the image that remains is one that I want to see... that woman of vibrant color. Many colors. And while there will be some shadows that linger, I hope to be surrounded by those who will love every last color I reveal and to someday be one who's color "is on the brink of changing all the ways [I] see the world."

(This song is so beautiful!! Think about it. Someday...)

I can see the red, white and free in you
You light the night up like the moon
And underneath your clouds, I see the blue

You're hopeless 'cause you tell the truth
The stars are jealous of your shine
If you were mine
There's not a thing I wouldn't do

You're black and beautiful, yellow, tan
You're white as light and soft as sand
With greens and greys and oh for days
A silver lining on the way you cover everyone
Just like a morning sun
You turn me into someone I would rather be

OOO- I love your every color
OOO- I love your everything
You wear the day around you
Like it's yours to stay around you
Maybe I could stay around you too
If that's alright with you

You're coffee brown and bubble gum pink
And oh I think the shade of you is on the brink
Of changing all the ways I see the world
I could drown inside a single drop
Of all the kinds of things you got
And all the kinds of things I'm not

Might just give me a chance to see
From way up where you are
Above the silent stars
Just dancing in the sky

You're better than any rainbow
You're brighter than the sun
You look like my first day of summer
When my spring is on the run
You're gold and more gold
And you're platinum too
With snow toned, copper attitude
I don't know what I'd do without you
I don't know what I'll do about you