God love your soul and your achin bones

Currently listening to "All Fall Down" by OneRepublic. I'm a little bit infatuated with them. And this song.

"If ever your world starts crashin' down, whenever your world starts crashin' down...that's where you'll find me."

In some ways, I feel like God's saying, "Hey, I'm here! I know you're going to fall down. You know you're going to fall down sometimes... as everyone does, but I will always be here to pick you up."

I think about that, I know it's true, and though I hate depending on emotional consolation, sometimes I wish I had a more tangible knowledge of it... Again, it's about my ability, or lack thereof, of ownership of some truths. Lame. I'm lame. I know.

And then I remind myself that God works through others. They're the tangible truth. My friends are the tangible evidence that He's there. Yes, as humans, we fail each other, but the fact that they have been put in my life and put up with my woes, my worries, my complaints, and my sorrows is evidence of a Love greater than my comprehension, is evidence that Love is *present* Who knew? Ok, so everyone else did, but my feeble little self forgets sometimes... (in experience, though not in intellect...I haven't completely lost my way... just mildly)

I was reminded, very strongly, that even when I am too dense to see every way God is there for me, He has my lovely friends speak Love to me. These friends who visit me when I'm broken, make me laugh about stupid things and cast my worries aside, give me more hugs than most people would even want...they give a face to Love. They remind me that I *do* know and recognize Love.

God has no hands and feet but ours... I know I don't always use them as I ought, but I can say that I'm very grateful for all those who do.

"God love your soul and your achin' bones. Take a breath, take a step, meet me down below. Everyone's the same, our fingers to our toes. We just can't get it right, but we're on the road. Whenever your world starts crashin down...that's when you'll find me."

I am constantly hit with the reality that we are, in essence, the same. No, we  may never judge another's journey by our own, as we really don't know all the roads they've traveled, but the truth is, they know what it is to be weather-beaten and weary, they've seen the sunshine and the shade, and they've stumbled off the path. Whether for the sake of adventure or accident...  it doesn't matter. We're all just trying to make it. We're all made with from the same Goodness for the same Love. We've all been given the tools we need to make it through. We haven't all been given the same tools. That's kind of why we have to work together, yeah? We're not meant to be alone. And when we're too dense to be acutely aware of God's hand holding ours, we have to show it to each other. And we do it in ways so small we don't even notice... It's funny to me.

Today, I am very grateful for the beautiful souls in my life. They bring immeasurable light to whatever darkness I come across.

Thanks for the love, God.

Write you a letter, but it's better that you hear me

Happy Thanksgiving!

Yeah, this is one of those slightly cheesy Thanksgiving posts...so what? You know I'm going to ramble a bit before I get to the really cheesy stuff, so I think it's a fair trade off?

I just wanted to take this opportunity to say: thank you.

God knows I'm a mess and a half... I wouldn't be anywhere close to functioning if it weren't for the amazing family and friends I've been blessed with. Thank you.

This week has been a weird one. It's been one of those clearing through all of the crap in the basement/attic and choking on the dust kind of weeks. For a normal human being, that's obnoxious enough, but for an allergy-induced asthmatic such as myself, it's just a little bit more uncomfortable. (and yes, I'm still being figurative...just weird...go figure). But I think I'm starting to see more of the big picture... Maybe... and that's something that is very good for me.

Anywho...fall cleaning (I'm a little backwards, and I like fall better)...working through life... trying to figure it out...awkward and uncomfortable (as I often am)... I am spoiled and blessed. God's pretty good like that.

As always, through every trial, there remains a million little reminders that I am loved. (and if this mess of a lady is so well loved, you can bet that you are pretty darn loved as well. Because you are. So. Loved.)

I'm starting  to see that (believe it or not) I am making at least a minuscule difference in my workplace. (which is huge for me because most of the time I feel like I'm a million years behind where I need to be to do a good job.... I also put impossible standards on myself, knowing I can't meet them at this point, and get frustrated with myself when, go figure, I don't meet them. I'm kind of dumb sometimes....) I am blessed with some truly fantastic co-workers, and I am beyond grateful for them. I am proud of them. They have been doing so much to make our store work better, and they keep me sane... most of the time ;) I am uberly thankful for them.

I am also thankful for my roommate...roomie...roobie...oobie...oobs... we've gotten lazy and absurd. (no way!) She's a huge support for me, and she never yells at me when I know I'm being dumb. She's just there... like Samwise... and that's pretty neat. I am so thankful for her.

I am thankful for dear friends who randomly visit me at work or come to my apartment.  And for gatherings with cheesecake, tea, and cocoa. Last night, my oobie and I set up our tree while friends were visiting and making merriment. SO good for my little heart. (don't judge too harshly on the Christmas tree...Thanksgiving will be over before we fully enjoy it. We're just eagerly anticipating the Christmas season! And putting some extra beauty in our apartment. everybody needs extra beauty in their lives, yeah? Well, we decided we did.) Anywho, I am thankful for my lovely friends and the merriment they provide.

Think I forgot my family? HECK NO! Because without them I wouldn't be here in the first place. They are my support, my stronghold, my sanity, and my joy. I love my family. Family is just about the most important thing in the world. I love mine. Love them, love them, love them. And I'm so happy to be able to spend today with mine! We're going to chow down on turkey and taters, and all will be right with the world. SO thankful for them.

I am also thankful for my faith, which, admittedly, I take for granted sometimes. I realize it's one of the things that truly keeps me grounded. If not for my faith and all that I've been taught, I dont' know where I'd be. It makes life make sense. So... yeah... thanks for that, God. Thanks for you too, God. I mean, you're pretty neat.. and the source of everything good that I have... that's pretty amazing.

I am wonderfully blessed. Even indirectly. I am so thankful for the soldiers fighting for our country. I am thankful for those serving/taking care of our sick and injured. I am thankful for those who educate our youth (I feel like that makes me sound old, but my baby brother is 8... and also the 'youth' are our future... we need to make sure we give them what they need to continue making a difference). I am thankful for priests and religious. I am thankful for awesome moms and dads. I am thankful for those in food service, for those in retail, and those who volunteer. I am thankful to artists.

I am thankful for YOU.

Because your existence makes this world that much better.

And that's something to be thankful for.

They don't even know you...all they see is scars

My Sixx A.M. kick continues, but this time I'm pulling from their new(er) album. The last track is called "Skin," and I think it's beautiful (go figure).

"'Cause they don't even know you; all they see is scars. They don't see the angel living in your heart. Let them find the real you buried deep within. Let them know with all you've got that you are not your skin."

At first, all I could think of was the people I know who've harmed themselves. I have a friend who never *seriously* harmed herself, but obviously was crying for help... and she was yelled at... and rejected. "It's stupid and selfish to cut yourself. How did that help anything?" I visited her in the hospital and I wasn't sure what to do for her. She knew cutting herself wouldn't change the situation. All she knew was that she *hurt* and she couldn't pinpoint where... so she gave the pain an outlet... a location. 

She got the help she needed, but she still struggles with the faint scars lefts behind. Now she's labeled a "cutter," even though she hasn't harmed herself since her stay in the hospital. All people see are the scars.

This song brought me back to that, and again, all I can think about are our broken. Why is it so much easier to see scars on another and automatically think of the worst of them? Why is it that scars incite fear or negativity and harsh judgement? Why don't they incite *compassion*??? Yes, they represent a terrible action, but behind that action is *pain*. Behind that action is suffering, and illness. Yes, it takes an illness to do such a harm to oneself, but those afflicted are treated as lepers. It agitates me.

When we see friends suffering from some physical ailment, we direct them to a doctor or remedies we've tried to cure it. Why is it harder to do the same if we notice a friend is ailing mentally/emotionally? Is it because we know less about what to do, or that seeking help indicates some sort of "weakness?" What is it? 

Admittedly, I feel somewhat helpless when I know someone is suffering so much. I know that I don't have the capacity within myself to "save" them, but I just pray that whatever love I can give is translated in such a way that it does some good. I can never pretend that I have the answers because I don't. But sometimes it's enough to listen. How often do we even do that? How often do we get irritated listening to someone list their woes because it means nothing to us? What if those woes are crippling that person and they just need an outlet? What if it took all the courage they had to tell you about them?

Just because a person is suffering from depression doesn't mean s/he's weak. They're just *hurt* I think the only weaknesses that exist are sins. Depression isn't a sin. I'm going to stick to that. People will say that depression is selfish, just like self-harm, and suicide. It's not ok, but it's not a sin. It was once the case that those who committed suicide could not have a Christian burial because of the sin of taking a life, but we've realized that one canNOT  be fully be in the correct mindset if they're at such a point. I don't think it's so much that someone suffering from such an affliction can't think of others. There are plenty of people suffering from depression who dearly love their friends and family, and would do anything for them. But that doesn't mean they can just "shake off" the depression. I'd say it's like breaking your wrist and still trying to use it every day- it's painful to the point of distraction. You keep coming back to it.

I feel like all I've been able to talk about is depression, pain, and brokenness, but I guess I'm just tired of (seemingly) no one else caring. I'm surrounded by broken people who I love, and I want them to know they're loved. All advertising is spent anti-depressants. Medication isn't always the answer! As a society, we're so set on band-aids to cover the issue instead of TREATING it. Gah.  

Anyway... A person is more than her scars (or his scars). When we reduce a person to ANY particular point, we lose who s/he essentially is. And that's heartbreaking enough as it is. We're made to be seen... to be known... and to be loved. Even all the broken pieces. It's generally where we find the most incredible and beautiful strengths, anyway. And God knows we're in need of more of that. 

Next time, look for the soul as well as the skin. The skin tells a story, but only a small part, and we don't want to miss out on the person telling that story.

Paint yourself a picture
Of what you wish you looked like
Maybe then they just might
Feel an ounce of your pain

Come into focus
Step out of the shadows
It's a losing battle
There's no need to be ashamed

Cause they don't even know you
All they see is scars
They don't see the angel
Living in your heart

Let them find the real you
Buried deep within
Let them know with all you've got
That you are not your skin

Oh [X2]

When they start to judge you
Show them your true colors
And do onto others
As you'd have done to you

Just rise above this
Kill them with your kindness
Ignorance is blindness
They're the ones that stand to lose

'Cause they don't even know you
All they see is scars
They don't see the angel
Living in your heart

Let them find the real you
Buried deep within
Let them know with all you got
That you are not your skin

OHHHHHHHHHH

Well they don't even know you
All they see is scars
They don't see the angel
Living in your heart

Let them find the real you
Buried deep within
Let them know with all you've got
That you are not
That you are not your skin

I am spoiled.

God makes me laugh. Sometimes I think He's rude (though deep down I know it's just that I either don't like what He has to say or that I don't like how He wants to handle a situation. In the end, I'm the rude one, but I blame Him anyway because I'm charming like that (ha.)), but I know He's always taking care of me. Far beyond anything I deserve.

The past week(s), I've been in a funk, for reasons I can't explain. It's not as though I don't want to talk about it; I  just honestly can't pinpoint the problem. I've just been...off. It's extremely unpleasant. It's much easier for me to deal with my life when I know why I'm upset- I can at least work on processing the emotions and yada yada... But when I'm just overcome with loneliness or oppressive negativity... blech. <-that's how I feel. It's just a big cluster of weirdness and I just want to puke it all out of my system. Immediately. (sorry if that's too graphic.. that's just the best way for me to describe it) But whenever that happens, it just feels too large to actually come out... like somehow whatever is in me has grown past the space its occupying. It's gross. And weird. And incredibly unpleasant.

Anywho, unpleasant gross feelings... Can't get rid of them... I go to work, admit to being tired but overall keep smiling and trying to put on the face of hospitality and joy to keep my people in a good mood. I go home feeling even more gross. I whine to my roomie, but instead of being cathartic, it's just like acknowledging someone I don't like is in the room... just a statement of a fact... bleh.

I decide to have a little chat with Jesus (not that I haven't been talking to Him since the time the grossness began.... just returned for an extra "were you listening when we chatted last?" talk. Because as I said, I'm rude), and I say, "Ok buddy, what's the deal? I'm trying to set this aside but it just keeps pressing on me. I can't ignore this. Um... can you make it go away?"

Next thing I know, I have a couple of the worst days I've had in a LONG time. Not that the events in the day were actually bad. I was just completely overwhelmed. But throughout those couple days, God did not allow me to forget that He loves me.

After Mass, I got a message from a friend I haven't talked to in MONTHS which was basically just one of those, "Hey, just thinking of you, I love you," texts. So. Necessary. And beautiful. Thanks for the love, God.

Two of my friends and their baby made dinner at my apartment, and I felt like a normal human being for a couple of hours. Thanks for the love, God.

My roommate gave me a bracelet that BC was giving out. It says "Be not afraid." I don't know what it means for me yet, but I know I needed it. Thanks for the love, God.

Terrible, horrible day number two, I get a text from a friend with a Bible verse that again tells me, "Be not afraid." Thanks for the love, God.

Another friend of mine sent me a random message, "Hey you're wonderful and I love you." Thanks for the love, God.

Another friend let me vent about my awful feelings and just let me know he was there for me. Thanks for the love, God.

My sister has been sending me random pieces of happiness and stupidity that we both enjoy. Thanks for the love, God.

The next day, better than the two previous: I had a day off. I chopped my hair off. I probably had four cups of Earl Grey, opened the windows, curled up under a blanket, and started reading The Help while listening the rain. My oobie (that's roommate, btw) and I watched a stupid movie and our dear friend came to visit. Thanks for the love, God.

Today I'm alive and well. I know I didn't process anything. I still have no idea what was wrong with me. But I'm ok. And I am loved. Way loved. I will probably still have days of oppressive negativity, but I'm never alone through it. I am truly spoiled. And very loved.

Thanks for the love, God.

ps- You are so very NOT rude.