Could you let down your hair and be transparent for awhile?

"Could you let your hair down and be transparent for awhile, just a little while? Let's see if you're human after all. Honesty is a hard attribute to find when we all seem like we've got it all figured out. Well let me be the first to say that I don't have a clue; I don't have all the answers. Ain't gonna pretend I do... just tryin to find my way..."

The song "Trying" by Lifehouse is beautiful. If you haven't heard it, you should listen to it. I'm biased... they're my favorite band.. but they also speak very clearly to authentic love and the strength of the human spirit... I love them.

In any case, I was thinking about this because I was having a chat with a friend about trust and masks we sometimes wear. How often do we show our true face to the people around us?

I know it can be terrifying to be ourselves with another. We're broken, and we continually let each other down. Even knowing we're capable and guilty of the same sin, when others let us down, it becomes so much harder to continue to let ourselves be vulnerable. At least it is for me. There are times I throw my hands in the air and say, "That's it! I'm done with people. I won't let anyone in again." Then I realize that's stupid. JPII (beautiful man that he was) said, "Man only finds himself when making a sincere gift of himself," (the quote may not be entirely correct, but the sentiment definitely is). When I am so concerned with finding the woman I am meant to be and what path I am meant to travel, I cannot ignore this. The only way for me to be truly myself is to give of myself. Which entails making myself vulnerable. Terrifying! But necessary. And wonderful.

I still need to makes sure I am not careless with my heart, however. Where is the balance??

"Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." -Proverbs 4:23

To guard is to keep safe and protect. This does not mean, "lock it away from sight." Our hearts are treasures, "the WELLSPRING OF LIFE," needing protection so as not to be destroyed, but it is only used for its intended purpose when given away. So we've got to do what we can to make them strong. We have to learn to love ourselves. We have to learn to see ourselves through God's eyes. We have to surround ourselves with faithful allies who care about the condition of the treasure we contain. They will fight to protect it. Even when they fall, they have made the effort. We have to seek the good and pursue it. Our hearts delight in that and grow ever stronger. We need to let the love in our hearts be seen and be given. It's funny how much giving of ourselves really does help us to gain infinitely more.

The thing is, our hearts were made to LOVE. "Oh God, our hearts are restless until they rest in you." -St. Augustine. Guess what? God is LOVE. Doesn't it make sense that our hearts are strongest and most at peace when they imitate their Creator?

Anyway...I'm exhausted and rambling. Let down your hair and be transparent for a while. Let others see the treasure of your heart and inspire theirs.

I am lowly...and that's ok

I actually have LOTS on my mind today... I feel like I've had a million conversations in the past two days (something surprisingly significant for me as of late), and I'm still in the midst of processing it all... but here's a start.

I am frustrated that I'm not as frustrated with my "lot in life" as I "ought to be." Confused?

I received a college education. Cool. I earned a degree. Excellent. I am now two years out of college. Neat. What do I have to show for it?

That's the question that always irks me. Something about it makes my heart twitch in the most uncomfortable fashion. Why is it that I feel that I have something to prove? Who am I trying to prove it to? And whose standards am I trying to live up to?

I majored in Theology and minored in Philosophy. Is that not enough? Is that not worth something? (Again, how do I measure this worth?) However, as a college grad, the constant question is, "Oh, so what are you doing with that?"

For one, how can one NOT use that kind of education? For one, I feel like it has strengthened my formation as a human being in general and as a Catholic specifically. Such an education can and will always benefit me because, in the end, isn't the state of my soul more important than my income? Regardless, people aren't interested in such an answer; they're interested in who's writing the paycheck.

"Well," comes my timid reply, "I'm actually working and managing full time at McDonald's."

"Oh."

That's it. "Oh." Instant dismissal. Feeling of worthlessness creeping in. I obviously wasted four years of my life and thousands of dollars of mine and my parent's money. What do I need a degree for if I'm taking up a career in fast food? I am a failure as a human being.

Wait. Says who? Whose judgment is it that I am so vehemently afraid of? Why is it that I cannot proudly state my current occupation with a smile on my face? Why don't I own it?

In truth, I *love* my job. I do. I love the people I work with. I love being able to serve people. I love helping the people I work with do the same with a smile on their faces. I love having the opportunity to be a source of joy in people's day simply by taking care of them the best I can.

No, I do not love all aspects of my days. No, I do not love all of my customers as well as I ought. However, at the end of the day, I know that I can take pride in what I do. The voice in my heart can say that with a quiet confidence because I am honestly at peace in this place.

So once again, why the inferiority complex?

I was speaking to my a lovely friend of mine, and we decided it's because there is no place for humility in this society. There is no love for service. We live in a society that prizes power and wealth above all other virtues (ah, capitalism). There certainly is no wealth in such a position, but there is a great power that is absurdly overrated.

For one thing, where on earth would those with power be without the ones who serve them every day??? Sometimes I wonder if they take the time to consider it. Sometimes, when facing a particularly rude customer, I think to myself, "How dare you look down on me. True, your patronage is the reason I get a paycheck, but where would you be if we, the 'lowly ones,' were not here to serve you your burgers and fries? The way you're acting, I'm led to believe you'd be truly lost, so buck up and show some respect. I am not less of a human being because I am serving you."

Sometimes I really wish I could say it. Instead, I smile and try to squeeze out whatever kindness I can muster.

That kindness is another key point when speaking of the power of service (I'm not trying to toot my own horn...just defending the "little guy"). There is an element of kindness and humility that almost follows service naturally. That is not to say that you will never be served by a cranky miss or mister (face it, we all have), but someone striving to do their job excellently cannot avoid being the face of kindness for the people they encounter every day. And that kindness is a truly. powerful. thing.

I might be the only smiling face a person sees in a day. So I'm going to smile with all I've got. I might be making the comfort food to ease someone's awful day. So I'm going to make that hamburger as quickly and as wonderfully as possible.

Gestures of service make a difference. I see it every day, especially in the faces of my regular customers. Regular. Customers. They don't just show up because we have yummy greasy burgers. They show because they appreciate the service they're given. It's beautiful.

I am not wealthy. I am still paying back my loans, and I will be a for a while. I do not have a prestigious job. I have a lowly job. And it's a job that suits me. To the person who thinks saying that sells myself short: you're crazy. I am a simple girl. Always have  been. Always will be. I am lowly. But that is not to say I don't have a lot to give. Because I do. I really do have a lot to give. I've just disovered that McDonald's is where I have to give those gifts right now.God has me here for a reason. Who am I to run from it kicking and screaming because the world has no respect for it?

God is choosing me to be one of His lowly ones. And that's ok.