Currently listening to "All Fall Down" by OneRepublic. I'm a little bit infatuated with them. And this song.
"If ever your world starts crashin' down, whenever your world starts crashin' down...that's where you'll find me."
In some ways, I feel like God's saying, "Hey, I'm here! I know you're going to fall down. You know you're going to fall down sometimes... as everyone does, but I will always be here to pick you up."
I think about that, I know it's true, and though I hate depending on emotional consolation, sometimes I wish I had a more tangible knowledge of it... Again, it's about my ability, or lack thereof, of ownership of some truths. Lame. I'm lame. I know.
And then I remind myself that God works through others. They're the tangible truth. My friends are the tangible evidence that He's there. Yes, as humans, we fail each other, but the fact that they have been put in my life and put up with my woes, my worries, my complaints, and my sorrows is evidence of a Love greater than my comprehension, is evidence that Love is *present* Who knew? Ok, so everyone else did, but my feeble little self forgets sometimes... (in experience, though not in intellect...I haven't completely lost my way... just mildly)
I was reminded, very strongly, that even when I am too dense to see every way God is there for me, He has my lovely friends speak Love to me. These friends who visit me when I'm broken, make me laugh about stupid things and cast my worries aside, give me more hugs than most people would even want...they give a face to Love. They remind me that I *do* know and recognize Love.
God has no hands and feet but ours... I know I don't always use them as I ought, but I can say that I'm very grateful for all those who do.
"God love your soul and your achin' bones. Take a breath, take a step, meet me down below. Everyone's the same, our fingers to our toes. We just can't get it right, but we're on the road. Whenever your world starts crashin down...that's when you'll find me."
I am constantly hit with the reality that we are, in essence, the same. No, we may never judge another's journey by our own, as we really don't know all the roads they've traveled, but the truth is, they know what it is to be weather-beaten and weary, they've seen the sunshine and the shade, and they've stumbled off the path. Whether for the sake of adventure or accident... it doesn't matter. We're all just trying to make it. We're all made with from the same Goodness for the same Love. We've all been given the tools we need to make it through. We haven't all been given the same tools. That's kind of why we have to work together, yeah? We're not meant to be alone. And when we're too dense to be acutely aware of God's hand holding ours, we have to show it to each other. And we do it in ways so small we don't even notice... It's funny to me.
Today, I am very grateful for the beautiful souls in my life. They bring immeasurable light to whatever darkness I come across.
Thanks for the love, God.
Showing posts with label God. Show all posts
Showing posts with label God. Show all posts
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Monday, November 28, 2011
I'm coming to terms, I'm starting to learn this ain't all it's cracked up to be
"I know life is hard, but I feel like it shouldn't be this hard."
^Topic of a recent conversation I had with an incredibly beautiful soul.
What shouldn't be this hard, you may ask?
1. Trusting God.
2. Maintaining friendships/relationships
And of course many other things... but this is what I'm sticking with for the sake of this conversation....because this is a conversation? ;)
1. Ok, so, intellectually, I get that God is perfect, can't change His will, is all loving, and ALWAYS wills the best for me. That being said, His way of going about it just doesn't always compute well with my little broken human intellect and such. For example, (not getting into the details, though most of the people who know me can probably hazard a guess) for a great length of time, I was working towards a specific goal, and I earnestly believed that it was God's will that I do. However, wouldn't you know it, said end goal ended up being swept from beneath me and lost its every ability to be an option. I must say, I can understand now, and have for a while, that I really was never meant to meet that goal, that it's better that I didn't. However... I really did think it's what I was meant for at the time... and I thought I was giving all that I had to do what was right. It wasn't perfect, but I honestly thought I was following God's will for me.
Ever since, even though, once again, I get it's better in the long run, I've found it a lot harder to trust God. Or maybe it's more just that I don't trust that I'm following Him. Or a little of both. I still find myself asking Him why He let me believe He wanted a certain end goal for me if He really didn't. It boggles my mind. And I know that everything is in His time and in His way, but I have to ask Him why He had to use methods that feel so underhanded to my broken heart. (disclaimer: I know He's not underhanded, etc. I'm just rude and imperfect and this is the best way for me to describe it... He and I have an understanding, I promise)
During a conversation with the aforementioned beautiful soul, she mentioned to me that she just had a friend who left the seminary because he realized his call was to be a husband and father. And he said that if he knew in the beginning that he would be leaving the seminary after four years to pursue the vocation of being a husband and father, that he probably wouldn't have been as committed to the formation he received in the seminary. But that formation is what he needed for the next step in his life.
I still don't know the precise reason I had to run headlong toward a goal that was never meant for me, but I have learned a great deal about myself in the process. I have also grown a lot stronger in some respects. I have grown to appreciate vulnerability and openness, even in myself, more than I have before. I also understand better how my heart operates, and some things that I will not live without. I am coming better to grips with my own worth, and that alone is tremendous, I think.
Everything has a purpose. I just have to focus on doing what's right. (And of course keep the focus on the Big Guy) Everything else will fall into place.
2. This.should.not.be.so.hard.
I put more emphasis on this because, for me right now, this seems to be more of a kicker. Not that it's more important...just that God is there at any time, for any reason, and can always love in the right way... He can't mess up. He never changes. People change. People are different. And weird. But beautiful! But weird.
It's so easy to be friends/maintain a relationship when we're always around each other and having a good time. But then there's distance. Then there's a fight/disagreement. Oh no! The world is ending!
That's how it seems sometimes. But WHY?? I mean, if you really love someone and act on what you believe is best for them, it should just easily follow and work right... right?
But then there's not speaking the same love language, not bearing burdens the same way, working things out differently, yada yada. Sometimes we want so badly to do something wonderful to help the other, but it can't be received the way we want because of how the other functions. And that really hurts sometimes. BUT IT'S OK. That doesn't demean what we've done in the least! The success of love is in the loving, right? It's natural in love to want what's best for the other person, but at the end of the day, it's all about the fact that we love them. It can be frustrating when our efforts aren't as fruitful as we'd like to see, but they still bear fruit!
...ah, life.
I know that I'm far from being where I need to be... I don't have all the answers, and I never will. As much as I get frustrated with life and how complicated it can seem, I know it mostly comes down to my own limitations. I need to have more peace of heart. I need to own my own gifts. I need to love more strongly and more consistently. I need to seek beauty. I need to recognize beauty. I need to translate for those who don't see it. I need to smile more often. I need to recognize it's also ok to cry, be frustrated and what have you- emotions are part of being human. That being said, I also need to not run away with them, as I feel I am mostly a big ball of emotion. I need to forgive more, including forgiving myself. I need to trust my instincts and my upbringing.
I need so many things. But I also know that I'm given everything I need to meet those needs. Because, go figure, God wants us to be happy...not to think "this ain't all it's cracked up to be." (I'm listening to some Carolina Liar, hence the title... fit the mood/post though). If we ever get to a point where we're recognizing that something in our lives isn't what it's meant to be though... something's gotta change, be it our perspective, where we are laying our trust, or where we're seeking happiness. If it's not in the Good, it's gotta go, right?
In other news: I pray your day is filled with joy and beauty, and that your heart may be turned in such a way that you can perceive it.
^Topic of a recent conversation I had with an incredibly beautiful soul.
What shouldn't be this hard, you may ask?
1. Trusting God.
2. Maintaining friendships/relationships
And of course many other things... but this is what I'm sticking with for the sake of this conversation....because this is a conversation? ;)
1. Ok, so, intellectually, I get that God is perfect, can't change His will, is all loving, and ALWAYS wills the best for me. That being said, His way of going about it just doesn't always compute well with my little broken human intellect and such. For example, (not getting into the details, though most of the people who know me can probably hazard a guess) for a great length of time, I was working towards a specific goal, and I earnestly believed that it was God's will that I do. However, wouldn't you know it, said end goal ended up being swept from beneath me and lost its every ability to be an option. I must say, I can understand now, and have for a while, that I really was never meant to meet that goal, that it's better that I didn't. However... I really did think it's what I was meant for at the time... and I thought I was giving all that I had to do what was right. It wasn't perfect, but I honestly thought I was following God's will for me.
Ever since, even though, once again, I get it's better in the long run, I've found it a lot harder to trust God. Or maybe it's more just that I don't trust that I'm following Him. Or a little of both. I still find myself asking Him why He let me believe He wanted a certain end goal for me if He really didn't. It boggles my mind. And I know that everything is in His time and in His way, but I have to ask Him why He had to use methods that feel so underhanded to my broken heart. (disclaimer: I know He's not underhanded, etc. I'm just rude and imperfect and this is the best way for me to describe it... He and I have an understanding, I promise)
During a conversation with the aforementioned beautiful soul, she mentioned to me that she just had a friend who left the seminary because he realized his call was to be a husband and father. And he said that if he knew in the beginning that he would be leaving the seminary after four years to pursue the vocation of being a husband and father, that he probably wouldn't have been as committed to the formation he received in the seminary. But that formation is what he needed for the next step in his life.
I still don't know the precise reason I had to run headlong toward a goal that was never meant for me, but I have learned a great deal about myself in the process. I have also grown a lot stronger in some respects. I have grown to appreciate vulnerability and openness, even in myself, more than I have before. I also understand better how my heart operates, and some things that I will not live without. I am coming better to grips with my own worth, and that alone is tremendous, I think.
Everything has a purpose. I just have to focus on doing what's right. (And of course keep the focus on the Big Guy) Everything else will fall into place.
2. This.should.not.be.so.hard.
I put more emphasis on this because, for me right now, this seems to be more of a kicker. Not that it's more important...just that God is there at any time, for any reason, and can always love in the right way... He can't mess up. He never changes. People change. People are different. And weird. But beautiful! But weird.
It's so easy to be friends/maintain a relationship when we're always around each other and having a good time. But then there's distance. Then there's a fight/disagreement. Oh no! The world is ending!
That's how it seems sometimes. But WHY?? I mean, if you really love someone and act on what you believe is best for them, it should just easily follow and work right... right?
But then there's not speaking the same love language, not bearing burdens the same way, working things out differently, yada yada. Sometimes we want so badly to do something wonderful to help the other, but it can't be received the way we want because of how the other functions. And that really hurts sometimes. BUT IT'S OK. That doesn't demean what we've done in the least! The success of love is in the loving, right? It's natural in love to want what's best for the other person, but at the end of the day, it's all about the fact that we love them. It can be frustrating when our efforts aren't as fruitful as we'd like to see, but they still bear fruit!
...ah, life.
I know that I'm far from being where I need to be... I don't have all the answers, and I never will. As much as I get frustrated with life and how complicated it can seem, I know it mostly comes down to my own limitations. I need to have more peace of heart. I need to own my own gifts. I need to love more strongly and more consistently. I need to seek beauty. I need to recognize beauty. I need to translate for those who don't see it. I need to smile more often. I need to recognize it's also ok to cry, be frustrated and what have you- emotions are part of being human. That being said, I also need to not run away with them, as I feel I am mostly a big ball of emotion. I need to forgive more, including forgiving myself. I need to trust my instincts and my upbringing.
I need so many things. But I also know that I'm given everything I need to meet those needs. Because, go figure, God wants us to be happy...not to think "this ain't all it's cracked up to be." (I'm listening to some Carolina Liar, hence the title... fit the mood/post though). If we ever get to a point where we're recognizing that something in our lives isn't what it's meant to be though... something's gotta change, be it our perspective, where we are laying our trust, or where we're seeking happiness. If it's not in the Good, it's gotta go, right?
In other news: I pray your day is filled with joy and beauty, and that your heart may be turned in such a way that you can perceive it.
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Write you a letter, but it's better that you hear me
Happy Thanksgiving!
Yeah, this is one of those slightly cheesy Thanksgiving posts...so what? You know I'm going to ramble a bit before I get to the really cheesy stuff, so I think it's a fair trade off?
I just wanted to take this opportunity to say: thank you.
God knows I'm a mess and a half... I wouldn't be anywhere close to functioning if it weren't for the amazing family and friends I've been blessed with. Thank you.
This week has been a weird one. It's been one of those clearing through all of the crap in the basement/attic and choking on the dust kind of weeks. For a normal human being, that's obnoxious enough, but for an allergy-induced asthmatic such as myself, it's just a little bit more uncomfortable. (and yes, I'm still being figurative...just weird...go figure). But I think I'm starting to see more of the big picture... Maybe... and that's something that is very good for me.
Anywho...fall cleaning (I'm a little backwards, and I like fall better)...working through life... trying to figure it out...awkward and uncomfortable (as I often am)... I am spoiled and blessed. God's pretty good like that.
As always, through every trial, there remains a million little reminders that I am loved. (and if this mess of a lady is so well loved, you can bet that you are pretty darn loved as well. Because you are. So. Loved.)
I'm starting to see that (believe it or not) I am making at least a minuscule difference in my workplace. (which is huge for me because most of the time I feel like I'm a million years behind where I need to be to do a good job.... I also put impossible standards on myself, knowing I can't meet them at this point, and get frustrated with myself when, go figure, I don't meet them. I'm kind of dumb sometimes....) I am blessed with some truly fantastic co-workers, and I am beyond grateful for them. I am proud of them. They have been doing so much to make our store work better, and they keep me sane... most of the time ;) I am uberly thankful for them.
I am also thankful for my roommate...roomie...roobie...oobie...oobs... we've gotten lazy and absurd. (no way!) She's a huge support for me, and she never yells at me when I know I'm being dumb. She's just there... like Samwise... and that's pretty neat. I am so thankful for her.
I am thankful for dear friends who randomly visit me at work or come to my apartment. And for gatherings with cheesecake, tea, and cocoa. Last night, my oobie and I set up our tree while friends were visiting and making merriment. SO good for my little heart. (don't judge too harshly on the Christmas tree...Thanksgiving will be over before we fully enjoy it. We're just eagerly anticipating the Christmas season! And putting some extra beauty in our apartment. everybody needs extra beauty in their lives, yeah? Well, we decided we did.) Anywho, I am thankful for my lovely friends and the merriment they provide.
Think I forgot my family? HECK NO! Because without them I wouldn't be here in the first place. They are my support, my stronghold, my sanity, and my joy. I love my family. Family is just about the most important thing in the world. I love mine. Love them, love them, love them. And I'm so happy to be able to spend today with mine! We're going to chow down on turkey and taters, and all will be right with the world. SO thankful for them.
I am also thankful for my faith, which, admittedly, I take for granted sometimes. I realize it's one of the things that truly keeps me grounded. If not for my faith and all that I've been taught, I dont' know where I'd be. It makes life make sense. So... yeah... thanks for that, God. Thanks for you too, God. I mean, you're pretty neat.. and the source of everything good that I have... that's pretty amazing.
I am wonderfully blessed. Even indirectly. I am so thankful for the soldiers fighting for our country. I am thankful for those serving/taking care of our sick and injured. I am thankful for those who educate our youth (I feel like that makes me sound old, but my baby brother is 8... and also the 'youth' are our future... we need to make sure we give them what they need to continue making a difference). I am thankful for priests and religious. I am thankful for awesome moms and dads. I am thankful for those in food service, for those in retail, and those who volunteer. I am thankful to artists.
I am thankful for YOU.
Because your existence makes this world that much better.
And that's something to be thankful for.
Yeah, this is one of those slightly cheesy Thanksgiving posts...so what? You know I'm going to ramble a bit before I get to the really cheesy stuff, so I think it's a fair trade off?
I just wanted to take this opportunity to say: thank you.
God knows I'm a mess and a half... I wouldn't be anywhere close to functioning if it weren't for the amazing family and friends I've been blessed with. Thank you.
This week has been a weird one. It's been one of those clearing through all of the crap in the basement/attic and choking on the dust kind of weeks. For a normal human being, that's obnoxious enough, but for an allergy-induced asthmatic such as myself, it's just a little bit more uncomfortable. (and yes, I'm still being figurative...just weird...go figure). But I think I'm starting to see more of the big picture... Maybe... and that's something that is very good for me.
Anywho...fall cleaning (I'm a little backwards, and I like fall better)...working through life... trying to figure it out...awkward and uncomfortable (as I often am)... I am spoiled and blessed. God's pretty good like that.
As always, through every trial, there remains a million little reminders that I am loved. (and if this mess of a lady is so well loved, you can bet that you are pretty darn loved as well. Because you are. So. Loved.)
I'm starting to see that (believe it or not) I am making at least a minuscule difference in my workplace. (which is huge for me because most of the time I feel like I'm a million years behind where I need to be to do a good job.... I also put impossible standards on myself, knowing I can't meet them at this point, and get frustrated with myself when, go figure, I don't meet them. I'm kind of dumb sometimes....) I am blessed with some truly fantastic co-workers, and I am beyond grateful for them. I am proud of them. They have been doing so much to make our store work better, and they keep me sane... most of the time ;) I am uberly thankful for them.
I am also thankful for my roommate...roomie...roobie...oobie...oobs... we've gotten lazy and absurd. (no way!) She's a huge support for me, and she never yells at me when I know I'm being dumb. She's just there... like Samwise... and that's pretty neat. I am so thankful for her.
I am thankful for dear friends who randomly visit me at work or come to my apartment. And for gatherings with cheesecake, tea, and cocoa. Last night, my oobie and I set up our tree while friends were visiting and making merriment. SO good for my little heart. (don't judge too harshly on the Christmas tree...Thanksgiving will be over before we fully enjoy it. We're just eagerly anticipating the Christmas season! And putting some extra beauty in our apartment. everybody needs extra beauty in their lives, yeah? Well, we decided we did.) Anywho, I am thankful for my lovely friends and the merriment they provide.
Think I forgot my family? HECK NO! Because without them I wouldn't be here in the first place. They are my support, my stronghold, my sanity, and my joy. I love my family. Family is just about the most important thing in the world. I love mine. Love them, love them, love them. And I'm so happy to be able to spend today with mine! We're going to chow down on turkey and taters, and all will be right with the world. SO thankful for them.
I am also thankful for my faith, which, admittedly, I take for granted sometimes. I realize it's one of the things that truly keeps me grounded. If not for my faith and all that I've been taught, I dont' know where I'd be. It makes life make sense. So... yeah... thanks for that, God. Thanks for you too, God. I mean, you're pretty neat.. and the source of everything good that I have... that's pretty amazing.
I am wonderfully blessed. Even indirectly. I am so thankful for the soldiers fighting for our country. I am thankful for those serving/taking care of our sick and injured. I am thankful for those who educate our youth (I feel like that makes me sound old, but my baby brother is 8... and also the 'youth' are our future... we need to make sure we give them what they need to continue making a difference). I am thankful for priests and religious. I am thankful for awesome moms and dads. I am thankful for those in food service, for those in retail, and those who volunteer. I am thankful to artists.
I am thankful for YOU.
Because your existence makes this world that much better.
And that's something to be thankful for.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
I am spoiled.
God makes me laugh. Sometimes I think He's rude (though deep down I know it's just that I either don't like what He has to say or that I don't like how He wants to handle a situation. In the end, I'm the rude one, but I blame Him anyway because I'm charming like that (ha.)), but I know He's always taking care of me. Far beyond anything I deserve.
The past week(s), I've been in a funk, for reasons I can't explain. It's not as though I don't want to talk about it; I just honestly can't pinpoint the problem. I've just been...off. It's extremely unpleasant. It's much easier for me to deal with my life when I know why I'm upset- I can at least work on processing the emotions and yada yada... But when I'm just overcome with loneliness or oppressive negativity... blech. <-that's how I feel. It's just a big cluster of weirdness and I just want to puke it all out of my system. Immediately. (sorry if that's too graphic.. that's just the best way for me to describe it) But whenever that happens, it just feels too large to actually come out... like somehow whatever is in me has grown past the space its occupying. It's gross. And weird. And incredibly unpleasant.
Anywho, unpleasant gross feelings... Can't get rid of them... I go to work, admit to being tired but overall keep smiling and trying to put on the face of hospitality and joy to keep my people in a good mood. I go home feeling even more gross. I whine to my roomie, but instead of being cathartic, it's just like acknowledging someone I don't like is in the room... just a statement of a fact... bleh.
I decide to have a little chat with Jesus (not that I haven't been talking to Him since the time the grossness began.... just returned for an extra "were you listening when we chatted last?" talk. Because as I said, I'm rude), and I say, "Ok buddy, what's the deal? I'm trying to set this aside but it just keeps pressing on me. I can't ignore this. Um... can you make it go away?"
Next thing I know, I have a couple of the worst days I've had in a LONG time. Not that the events in the day were actually bad. I was just completely overwhelmed. But throughout those couple days, God did not allow me to forget that He loves me.
After Mass, I got a message from a friend I haven't talked to in MONTHS which was basically just one of those, "Hey, just thinking of you, I love you," texts. So. Necessary. And beautiful. Thanks for the love, God.
Two of my friends and their baby made dinner at my apartment, and I felt like a normal human being for a couple of hours. Thanks for the love, God.
My roommate gave me a bracelet that BC was giving out. It says "Be not afraid." I don't know what it means for me yet, but I know I needed it. Thanks for the love, God.
Terrible, horrible day number two, I get a text from a friend with a Bible verse that again tells me, "Be not afraid." Thanks for the love, God.
Another friend of mine sent me a random message, "Hey you're wonderful and I love you." Thanks for the love, God.
Another friend let me vent about my awful feelings and just let me know he was there for me. Thanks for the love, God.
My sister has been sending me random pieces of happiness and stupidity that we both enjoy. Thanks for the love, God.
The next day, better than the two previous: I had a day off. I chopped my hair off. I probably had four cups of Earl Grey, opened the windows, curled up under a blanket, and started reading The Help while listening the rain. My oobie (that's roommate, btw) and I watched a stupid movie and our dear friend came to visit. Thanks for the love, God.
Today I'm alive and well. I know I didn't process anything. I still have no idea what was wrong with me. But I'm ok. And I am loved. Way loved. I will probably still have days of oppressive negativity, but I'm never alone through it. I am truly spoiled. And very loved.
Thanks for the love, God.
ps- You are so very NOT rude.
The past week(s), I've been in a funk, for reasons I can't explain. It's not as though I don't want to talk about it; I just honestly can't pinpoint the problem. I've just been...off. It's extremely unpleasant. It's much easier for me to deal with my life when I know why I'm upset- I can at least work on processing the emotions and yada yada... But when I'm just overcome with loneliness or oppressive negativity... blech. <-that's how I feel. It's just a big cluster of weirdness and I just want to puke it all out of my system. Immediately. (sorry if that's too graphic.. that's just the best way for me to describe it) But whenever that happens, it just feels too large to actually come out... like somehow whatever is in me has grown past the space its occupying. It's gross. And weird. And incredibly unpleasant.
Anywho, unpleasant gross feelings... Can't get rid of them... I go to work, admit to being tired but overall keep smiling and trying to put on the face of hospitality and joy to keep my people in a good mood. I go home feeling even more gross. I whine to my roomie, but instead of being cathartic, it's just like acknowledging someone I don't like is in the room... just a statement of a fact... bleh.
I decide to have a little chat with Jesus (not that I haven't been talking to Him since the time the grossness began.... just returned for an extra "were you listening when we chatted last?" talk. Because as I said, I'm rude), and I say, "Ok buddy, what's the deal? I'm trying to set this aside but it just keeps pressing on me. I can't ignore this. Um... can you make it go away?"
Next thing I know, I have a couple of the worst days I've had in a LONG time. Not that the events in the day were actually bad. I was just completely overwhelmed. But throughout those couple days, God did not allow me to forget that He loves me.
After Mass, I got a message from a friend I haven't talked to in MONTHS which was basically just one of those, "Hey, just thinking of you, I love you," texts. So. Necessary. And beautiful. Thanks for the love, God.
Two of my friends and their baby made dinner at my apartment, and I felt like a normal human being for a couple of hours. Thanks for the love, God.
My roommate gave me a bracelet that BC was giving out. It says "Be not afraid." I don't know what it means for me yet, but I know I needed it. Thanks for the love, God.
Terrible, horrible day number two, I get a text from a friend with a Bible verse that again tells me, "Be not afraid." Thanks for the love, God.
Another friend of mine sent me a random message, "Hey you're wonderful and I love you." Thanks for the love, God.
Another friend let me vent about my awful feelings and just let me know he was there for me. Thanks for the love, God.
My sister has been sending me random pieces of happiness and stupidity that we both enjoy. Thanks for the love, God.
The next day, better than the two previous: I had a day off. I chopped my hair off. I probably had four cups of Earl Grey, opened the windows, curled up under a blanket, and started reading The Help while listening the rain. My oobie (that's roommate, btw) and I watched a stupid movie and our dear friend came to visit. Thanks for the love, God.
Today I'm alive and well. I know I didn't process anything. I still have no idea what was wrong with me. But I'm ok. And I am loved. Way loved. I will probably still have days of oppressive negativity, but I'm never alone through it. I am truly spoiled. And very loved.
Thanks for the love, God.
ps- You are so very NOT rude.
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